“Sometimes we have to impose our will on others,” is what a colleague voiced to me while we struggled with scheduling events in an Asian Country.  Unfortunately, as Americans, we often tend to think this way.  We expect other cultures to do things the way we do them, and when they don’t, we try to impose our will on others.  This is at least part of the reason Americans are not well received in many places in the world.

When you are in another country or culture, you need to learn to “play by their rules” or at least be sensitive to them.  Assertiveness is an important EQ quality that will benefit us in most international or western companies.  It may not serve you as well in cultures that follow more hierarchical forms of leadership or where harmony is valued over turbulence.  It’s the Titanium Rule all over again (see blog February 20, 2013). It’s treating people the way they want to be treated rather than the way you think they “ought” to want to be treated.

My context here is the necessity of assertiveness in western cultures.  Personally, I am more “Asian” in this quality than American. I don’t have the excuse of cultural influence to reason why I am so weak in assertiveness, though.  I know I lack assertiveness because I care too much what others think of me and I want to “win friends and influence people” at risk of not speaking up for what I believe or for what is right at times.

You probably lack assertiveness if you:

• Consistently end up doing other’s work for them when they ask
• Have difficulty saying “no” to countless requests
• Cannot tell someone you love that a behavior or words they say hurt you
• Lend money to others and often don’t  get it back
• Don’t speak up for your opinions or beliefs in personal, class or work discussions

Assertiveness is more art than science.  I have seen too many decide overnight that they will now become assertive.  Their attempts often come across as brash and egotistical, with little regard for the feelings of others. It is important to remember, assertiveness is not aggressiveness and assertiveness, if done correctly, really does keep in mind the thoughts and feelings of others (see diagram).

Being appropriately assertive breaks down at least three ways:

1. You must have enough self-awareness to recognize your own feelings and be able to express them.
2. You must have enough impulse control to express these feelings (even anger) in an appropriate way with an appropriate intensity.
3. Keeping in mind the thoughts and feelings of others.  It is important to remember that you must be able to disagree with others while continuing to treat them with dignity and respect.   (The Student EQ Edge, Stein, Book and Kanoy, p.102)

If you would like to grow in assertiveness, Stein and Book’s EQ Edge has some great exercises. You can also do the following Assertiveness Exercise.